> dnold

> dictionary of dating

ATTRACTION
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL
Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphram, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY
A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT
A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND
A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE
A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING
A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT
What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY
How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC
A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER
Condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

> current event

> love, lust, marriage

love - when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
lust - when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
marriage - when you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

love - when intercourse is called "making love.
lust - when intercourse is called "screwing."
marriage - when intercourse is a town in pennsylvania.

love - when you argue over how many children to have.
lust - when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
marriage - when you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

love - when you share everything you own.
lust - when you steal everything they own.
marriage - when the bank owns everything.

love - when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
lust - when the relationship is over if you don't climax.
marriage - when ... uh ... what's a climax?

love - when you phone each other just to say, "hi."
lust - when you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
marriage - when you phone each other to bitch.

love - when you write poems about your partner.
lust - when all you write is your phone number.
marriage - when all you write is checks.

love - when your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
lust - when your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all round.
marriage - when your only concern is what's on tv.

love - when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
lust - when you only see each other naked.
marriage - when you never see each other awake.

love - when your heart flutters every time you see the other.
lust - when your groin twitches every time you see the other.
marriage - when your wallet empties every time you see the other.

love - when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
lust - when the song on the radio determines how you do it.
marriage - when you listen to talk radio.

love - when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
lust - when staying together is something you try not to think about.
marriage - when just getting through the day is your only thought.

love - when you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
lust - when you're only interested in doing things to your partner.
marriage - when you're only interested in your golf score.

> accidents happen

A man runs into a friend and notices that his car is wrecked and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt, and blood. He asks his friend, "What happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responds, "I ran into a lawyer."

"Okay," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches, and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park"

> how to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers

It has been brought to management's attention that some Individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore a list of TRY SAYING new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be taking the piss.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in that project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?!?!

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see. INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!!!!

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
IN STEADOF: He's a fucking prick.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

> how rumours start in the office

> rejection letter

> m&ms

An old man and a young man worked in office next to each other. The young man had noticed that the older man always seemed to have a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man loved peanuts.

One day while the older man was away from his desk the young man couldn't resist and went to the old man's jar and ate over half the peanuts.

When the old man returned the young man felt guilty and confessed to taking the peanuts.

The old man responded "That's ok since I lost my teeth all I can do is lick the chocolate off the M&Ms."

> untitled

In Tolleson, Arizona at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Visibly embarrassed but with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a litte more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again, was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Chicano who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I dont' even know who you are!" The Chicano smiled and drawled, "Mira, mamacita, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends. "

> lawnmower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

> totally cool illusion

http://www.patmedia.net/marklevinson/cool/cool_illusion.html

> untitled

> 19 hole