> how we love thee...

> exact change

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries
and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday n ight, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and
salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always
be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for
as long as you live!"

" That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

> fishing in new orleans

> inner peace

I’m workin’ on my inner peace…

Inner Peace is great….

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil Show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

> slogans

A professor was giving a lecture on company slogans in a college advertising and marketing class. "Joe, " he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'Come fly the friendly skies'?" "United Airlines." Joe answered. "Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?" Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty. "Now John, Tell me who says, 'Just do it'?" And John answered, "Mom?"

> george carlin's humor

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!"

You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number ... or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life ... you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh ...what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out.

There's no fun now. You're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa! Put on the brakes. It's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE IT to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE IT to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards."I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

> zen sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the heck alone
2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it
3. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments
4. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes
5. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything
6. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment
7. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

> microsoft office 2006 is here

> untitled

> this is how business is done

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son
Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride".
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."

Next Jack approaches Bill Gates
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates : "Ah, in that case..."

Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President : "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case....."

> a new men's magazine

> give 103% all the time

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, and bullshit will put you over the top. But, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

> tips to survive parenting

No wonder kids are confused today. Half the adults tell them to find themselves; the other half tell them to get lost.

You know the only people in this world who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.

> know your witness

During a trial, in a small Missouri town, the local prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God.

The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the Grandmother type, well spoken and poised.

The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot but you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster." "Yes, I know you quite well."

The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes. Then, slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps, thundered throughout the courtroom and the audience was on the verge of chaos.

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you morons asks her if she knows me, you're going to jail.

> workholic

> out of office replies

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3. Due to a transporter malfunction, I am now in the 24th century, and I don't know when I'll be back. But hey, leave a message. Someone might get to it.

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> untitled

We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?

> when you're driving too fast