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laughter is the best medicine for your heart

> you know you're from cali...

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember. Is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember. Is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 AM at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember. Is pot illegal?
14. It’s barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It’s barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one

> how to tell if you are broke...

> listen to this...

bizarre 911 call.

> first dear touch

> gas price

> prison & office

In prison you spend the majority of time in an 8 x 10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6 x 8 cubicle.

You get time off for good behaviour whereas at work you get rewarded by being given more work

In prison you get three meals a day and at work you only get a break for 1 meal which you have to pay for

In prison a guard locks and unlocks doors for you. At work you carry a security card round with you and you have to unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you get to watch TV and play games but at work you would get fired for doing this.

At work you have to share a toilet with everyone else but in prison you get your own.

Family and friends can visit you in prison but at work they frown on you even speaking to them.

All your expenses are paid for you in prison, you don't have to work or buy a TV license or pay taxes whilst at work they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your time looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out whilst at work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

> do not park near the water

> food warnings

can't eat beef, mad cow

Can't eat chicken. bird flu

Can't eat eggs. Salmonella

Can' t eat pork .. fears that bird flu will infect piggies

Can't eat fish .. heavy metals in the waters has poisoned their meat

Can't eat fruits and veggies .. insecticides and herbicides

Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!
M
M
M
M
M


"stressed" spelled backwards is "desserts"

> for world travelers

only in america

only in mexico

only in india

only in hawaii

only in france

only in japan

> gas anyone?




> i love winter

> getting married

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes
for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

> favor please!

I'm going away for a week. Could you please water my potted plants for me while I'm gone? Once a day should be fine. I'll bring you back a t-shirt from our hotel as our thanks!

> overdose victims