> ordering pizza in the future

http://www.adcritic.com/interactive/view.php?id=5927

> the door frame

> from the mouths of babes

MELANIE (5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Said Melanie, "If you don't remember, you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die, I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?

DANI (4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

> women driver?

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Darn women drivers......

> new definition

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn

> trivia

1. a crocodile cannot stick its tongue out
2. a snail can sleep for three years
3. cats he over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only about 10
4. february 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon
5. leonardo da vinci invented scissors
6. our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing
7. shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'
8. 'typewriter' is the longest word that can be made using the letters on one row of the keyboard
9. women blink nearly twice as much as men
10. if you are an average american, in your whole life you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights
11. it's impossible to lick your elbow
12. the winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid
13. there are two words in the english language that have all five vowels in order: abstemious and facetious
14. there is a word in the english language with only one vowel which occurs five times: indivisibility
15. in every episode of seinfeld there is a superman somewhere

> i shall seek and find you

I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU

I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU

I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT UNTIL YOU MOAN and GROAN.

I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY... BEG FOR ME TO STOP.

I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN I'M FINISHED WITH YOU.

AND YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS.

ALL MY LOVE,
THE FLU

Now, get your mind out of the gutter..............
and GO GET YOUR FLU SHOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

> blonde

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away....Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????"

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more pain. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

> soccer attack

> we is educated!

> i think i’ll keep driving!

> McLogic gone wrong

> how do i get there from here!?

> why am i so tired???

For a couple years I've been blaming it onlack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

> my future career

> untitled